a deliberating dude

Last night was nice. I spent entirely way too much money eating sushi with beer. I feel so uptight sometimes, the beer really lets me loosen up and enjoy the evening. It came at the expense of my diet and how I usually hold myself up, but that’s exactly what I need sometimes — a break from my usual routine. After realizing my buzzed state, I had a split-second moment where I felt like my shattered self from two years ago — but it was the briefest of moments and I enjoyed the altered state for what it was.

I returned to my cozy apartment, initially set to give the place a good tidying up. It was due for a cleaning; my belongings for school seemed to have made itself at home by sprawling out all over my bed and couch. The weeks-old pile of clean laundry on the armchair doesn’t help either. Instead, my addiction of laze held me to my laptop until I got a call from my friend/daughter Chandani for a ride. I jumped to the task, heartily ready to break out of my persistent bad habit. The best part? She had a cookie cake! And I went to town on that immoderately sweet dessert, washing it down the hatch with whole milk as soon as we arrived at her apartment. To complete the abs-killing process, I promptly laid myself down for a nap, with intermittent texts from friends and licks from Krish (the resident pup at Chandani’s apartment).

I finally woke up a few hours later and forced myself home — where I continued to sloth around an episode from the new season of 30 Rock. And after the credits rolled, the night gave way to free, uninterrupted thought in the early hours of the morning.

I reflected deeply what it’s like in my girlfriend’s head when we hang out. What does she like about me? What does she find fun or exciting about me? Those are questions that I wasn’t able to answer. I’ll never completely know how she thinks, but at the least, I can look at myself through her eyes and assess myself with my own taste. Do I like the person that I am around her? Do I respect how I hold myself? Am I a considerate person making conscientious efforts? Do I connect on a deeper level? I’m sure she doesn’t ask these questions to measure me on a daily basis; I don’t see why anyone would consciously to do so. I am most certain, though, that the answers to all of these appraising questions are constant through someone’s behavior and presentation.

I gracefully returned to my own eyes and went to my laptop to go through some pictures I recently rediscovered on my computer. I clicked through each image unhurriedly, perusing over every little detail. I noted the way my face, hair, body, friends, surroundings and mood changed in every saved file. I especially made note of how I smiled. It varied so much from picture to picture! I found myself fascinatingly seeing my former self for the first time. I held many different styles, each one adding a layer of personality to the person I am at that point in my life. And it made me realize that I still flavor myself now; only this time, I can be much more aware of how I do so. And with job interviews and a bhangra performance coming up, I’ve appropriately already begun to plan. [Mental flashback: I walked towards my frat BKG interviews scrubbed out in eyeglasses, flip-flops, rolled-up sweatpants and my bhangra jacket. I immediately regretted not wearing contacts, shoes, jeans and my heavier black jacket, just to look more polished to the candidates.]

An e-mail from my bhangra teammate Anish redirected my renewed keen eye towards the bhangra team’s latest choreography. It was the first time that I saw the team running through the new dances, and man, I was impressed. I really admire Gurbaj’s creativity. My style of graceful moves that meld effortlessly into the next contrasts starkly to his unique blend of never-before-seen moves with spontaneous bursts of energy and controlled gestures. Even now in reflection, I can’t help but feel pumped up to do our routine… this year is easily shaping up to be the funnest year to dance.

complete with pigging out on a home-cooked meal, a badass movie that touched both my need for spiritual-mindedness and need for kicking ass, and having nothing to worry about (no work, no dirty apartment, no nothin’).

Before I get into tonight though, I just want to do a little housekeeping on the last few days. MEND has taken over my life! Worked in the gym Tuesday night playing games for an hour and most all day in the office on Wednesday and Thursday getting ready for the next round of MEND. I really believe in the cause that MEND has set out to work towards (which is to phase out obesity in children and families by educating and exercising). It makes work very easy. I mean, I’d much rather be teaching or being more physical (more so after I get back into shape), but it makes me not mind the work in the background. Is this what job satisfaction feels like?

Most of Wednesday, I had been really quiet and reserved. I didn’t even look up to talk to anyone eye-to-eye, even my old co-worker Nailah. This girl is pretty cool. She speaks Spanish very well. It’s actually pretty inspiring. She had studied Spanish and education in college, is about to finish getting her Ph.D. in childhood development, and wants to start up a non-profit with one of her best friends who studied business.

How awesome is that? I usually get by in life by quietly comparing myself to those around me, and I try to use that need I held in my childhood years (the one to be superior to other people) and try to channel that into a competitive fuel. It’s hit or miss, sometimes I get an awesome drive but sometimes I just feel bad about myself or resent other people for something they do so well. In either case, I’m always reminded of a lot of work I got to do! I mean, I don’t want to wake up ten years from now thinking about all I should have been doing.

The first week of 2012 has been pretty weird mix of lazy and productive. And while the list of productivity outweighs the list of laziness and bad in terms of actual things listed, I still feel as though the laze is excessive. I gotta get my head in the game. I talk a big game when it comes to staying healthy and active, the least I can do is back it up. With Bhangra boot camp coming up soon, this is clearly the biggest goal I have to work on in this short-term. No worries — I have my work cut out for me tomorrow.

I’ve realized something pretty awesome throughout these events. I often try to do the disciplined life with a strict diet and regular workout schedule, but that hasn’t been happening lately… In fact, for a few days, I’ve actually been throwing all the discipline I usually have out the window and have just been lazing around, indulged, and slept longer than usual. And while I feel a bit guilty, I also feel… alive again. This is complete comfort in my own skin, somehow achieved with no one else around in Austin. This level of laze, pigging out and enjoying myself, I haven’t felt any of it since I was a chubby little kid back in my old house in Houston. It’s very, very refreshing to connect with that little (big) dude that I used to be.

My head’s still reeling from the movie I watched tonight. It’s called Ip Man, and it follows a Chinese martial artist back in the late 1930s, early 1940s — from right before World War II when the Japanese invaded by military force to almost near the end of when they surrendered and retreated out of the country. Master Ip had a wonderfully complete balance between his spirituality and his skills as a martial artist. He refused to fight as much as he could, and fought only when it was the honorable and right thing to do. And when he fought, wow. This man took on ten Japanese fighters at once, took down three soldiers when they made an advance on his wife, and protected a whole factory of workers, and yes this was all based on a true story! …Okay, I don’t know how much of it is real, but the man does exist and trained Bruce Lee. Yeah. That says it all right there.

I’ll most likely fall into a deep sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, but man… I’m trying to stay up a little longer just to soak in all of this deep contentment. Also, I’m being a nerd trying to re-reading this whole post to edit it, and I’m thinking… man, not every paragraph has the same tense throughout the whole thing. Apologies for any grammatical or writing faux pas in the post… I’ll try to do better and not start writing after 2am next time.

I am proud of the person I have grown to be in the past thirteen months of my life. But I will not allow complacency to set in. While I’ve accomplished more than ever before in the past, I vow to re-discipline myself to maintain all that I’ve achieved, and I vow to set new heights to climb towards heartily.

Before I pen the new set of challenges that I resolutely intend to fulfill both gradually and intermittently over the course of the year, let me reflect on specific lessons learned from my experiences to prime my mentality and shape my goals. These include all my learnings from camp, from the “5 Steps” to Guru Arjan Devi Ji and his work, and it will also include the main point of advice that Cau Chin had given to me (three times in the same conversation).

In the last week of 2011 at Houston Sikh Youth Camp, a man named Bhai Gurdarshan Singh Ji taught of a way to achieve a form of enlightenment in five steps. The last three steps of this are said to naturally follow true understanding and realization of the preceding two, so my focus will stay on these two first steps: jaag and laag.

Jaag: to awaken, become aware, and be conscious. Great lengths must be taken to consistently reach this pure awakening at all moments. Indeed, it will be a tragedy to lose myself to a beastly mindset of physical indulgences and instant gratification; only a mind clear of such obstacles can focus on the necessary, purposeful actions.

Laag: to apply, become disciplined, and be willing to learn. An awakened mind will do nothing without a point to trek towards. Find a path, stay true, and do everything I can to move forward with both a constant remembrance and as complete an understanding as I can hold.

Guru Arjan Dev Ji: the 5th guru in the Sikhi way of life, this man was chosen to lead his people at the age of 18. Considered the most accomplished guru, this man completed the construction of Amritsar and Harmandir Sahib, founded other cities such as Taran Taran and Kartarpur, constructed a baoli (well) in Lahore, and most importantly in Sikh history, compiled the Adi Granth — the first time the teachings of the first 5 gurus were ever recorded. Penning the Adi Granth was arguably the greatest of Guru Arjan Dev Ji’s accomplishments; it laid the foundation for the completion of Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, whose guruship will remain eternal.

Imagine that. A young man of 18 having the vision and focus to do all of that. I don’t care much to speculate how I will stack up against him when all is said and done, no. I simply wish to adopt a few ideas that I am determined to ingrain as truths in my reformed mind and properly undertake the new challenges.

Life is eternal, and I have all the time in the world. This isn’t even an idea that I hope to adopt; this is something that I already know to be true. I’ve seen my grandfather pass, felt my mama ji slip away in prayer, and heard of countless others leaving this world behind — sometimes inhumanely, unjustly, and prematurely. Though these souls ascend from the physical properties we know as reality, life continues to thrive all around.

A single moment defined this for me, in the work of Louis C.K. Fed up with his friend Eddie who wanted to kill himself, Louis began to tell him off, that if he wanted to tap out of his life—and then it dawned to him in a flash. He declared to his suicidal friend, “You know what? It’s life, it’s… life is bigger than you, if you can imagine that. Life is not something you possess. It’s something you take part in, and you witness…”

After pondering on these words, I find these ideas to be simple yet profound enough to do two things. First, they give life a grander, unlimited scale for me to work with. All of a sudden, life is so unimaginably huge, it’s almost as though every dimension of height, depth, and horizon has been stretched out, ready for me to explore. Second, these beliefs allow me every benefit of an out-of-body experience to watch myself as a performer in this life. It gives me control in how I want to interact with everything around me, and it connects me to everything life has to offer—including everyone who ever was and still is. These ideas are, in itself, a difficult task to cultivate any further, but I will patiently work on them nonetheless.

And finally, it’s been over a year since I’ve permanently made you a part of me, Ajmer Singh. I look to you for strength often, and this year will be no different in that regard. But this year, I will also try to emulate your work ethic. I’ve recently been given advice from a Buddhist monk named Cau Chin to “cut out the lazy,” and you, grandfather, did not know the word even in your last resting bed. I will draw strength from you — just, please be patient with me, Pita Ji.

Now, the list of growing resolutions:

• Travel outside of Texas (I hope Texas Bhangra will allow me this opportunity)
• Choreograph and teach bhangra (in the process)
• Learn a new style of dance (hip-hop / contemporary, ideas are forming)
• Walk in May and get a full-time offer
• Learn the meanings of my daily prayers (in process)
• Complete 4 workout regimes (strength & mass, explosiveness, basketball, running)
• Skydive
• Learn Punjabi fluently
• Go to a shooting range
• Go to at least 2 operas or plays
• Run a 5k or complete a Warrior Dash
• Watch at least one documentary every week (so far, so good)
• Leave my mark in Austin (graffiti)
• Grow out my beard for at least 60 days
• Give away 5 of my favorite possessions
• Visit my camp buddies and brother in San Antonio more than a few times
• Complete the Plucker’s 25 wing challenge
• Eat a package of Oreo’s in one sitting
• Do a 3- and 7-day fast

…and many more to come.